“I’m Fine": What Your High-Achieving Teen Might Really Be Saying About Anxiety & Perfectionism
She’s the one who always has it together.
Straight A’s. Team captain. The kid who remembers the group project deadline without needing a reminder. Teachers call her “a dream.” Coaches look to her to be the leader of the team. Friends look up to her and think that she has it all together.
But, what they don’t see is her sitting at the kitchen table at 11:17pm, frozen in front of the glowing laptop screen, silently panicking because the words aren’t perfect or everything doesn’t look “just right.” She says she’s “fine,” but you notice her chest rising and falling a little faster and her jaw definitely a little tighter. Eventually, she closes the computer, but promises herself that she will wake up early to fix it and she crawls into bed thinking about how to make it better.
He’s not the loudest in the room, but his teachers describe him as “driven.” His calendar is jam packed - robotics team, SAT prep, volunteer hours, two AP classes back-to-back. From the outside, it looks like he is killing it. But under the surface?
You see it - the clenched jaw over dinner, the earbuds going in before you’ve even pulled out of the school parking lot. Inside, he’s thinking:
If I don’t get into my top college, what was all this for?
If I drop one thing, will everyone think I’m slacking?
When you ask how they’re doing?
“I’m fine.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In my therapy for teens and college students work, I see so many young people carrying the weight of perfectionism quietly - even while looking “fine” on the outside.
The Truth About “Fine”
“Fine” is often the mask high-achieving teens wear when they’re anything but fine.
It is often code for:
I’m exhausted but can’t slow down.
I’m anxious but don’t want to disappoint anyone.
If I admit I’m struggling, it means I’m failing
Drive, motivation, and wanting to do well are all wonderful qualities. In fact, they often help teens discover their passions and push through challenges. But when the standard becomes “perfect or nothing,” that drive turns into pressure - and that’s where anxiety creeps in.
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting things neat and organized or double-checking homework. It’s a relentless voice whispering: You’re not enough unless you do ALL the things - and do it flawlessly. Or, it might say: “You’re only as good as your last test score. If you slow down, you’ll fall behind.”
Signs Your Teen Might Be Struggling with Perfectionism
Parents often notice little shifts before they see the big crash:
Late nights and constant “just one more thing” studying
Snapping over something small, then disappearing into their room
Withdrawing or becoming more irritable when asked how they’re doing
Avoiding new challenges for fear they won’t do them perfectly
Refusing to participate in things they used to enjoy because there’s “no time”
Saying yes to everything - clubs, sports, commitments - even when they silently feel like they’re drowning
Where All This Pressure Comes From
Perfectionism doesn’t grow in a vacuum. Some kids are born with sky-high standards for themselves. But, a lot of the pressure comes from outside, too - schools that reward overachievement, sports that glorify hustle, social media’s endless highlight reels, etc. So, it is a mix of personality traits, school culture, and subtle messages that achievement equals worth.
There’s also a difference between healthy striving - setting goals, working hard, and bouncing back from mistakes - and the relentless pressure of perfectionism. One builds resilience. The other chips away at confidence.
And yes, even the most loving and support parents unintentionally feed the pressure with well-meaning praise:
“You’ve always been my easy one.”
“I’m so proud of how responsible you are.”
“You’re going to do great things.”
There’s nothing wrong with these words - in fact, they are beautiful and well-meaning. But, to the perfectionist teen, they can start to feel like a role they can’t step out of - even when it is hurting them.
A Question to Try Tonight
If “How was your day?” gets you a one word answer, try this instead:
“What’s something that felt really hard today?”
Or,
“What’s something you wish you could take off your plate this week?”
The goal isn’t to fix it right away - it’s to open the door so your teen knows it’s safe to talk about the pressure without disappointing you.
Why Therapy Can Help High-Achieving Teens
Therapy gives teens a space where they don’t have to be “on.” No grades, no evaluation, no performance. Just a place to figure out what they need. A place to say “You know what…I’m not fine” without worrying about letting anyone down.
Wanting to succeed definitely isn’t the problem. The problem is when success feels like the only way to be worthy. Therapy helps teens keep their drive and ambition - without the constant anxiety attached to it.
In therapy, I help high-achieving teens:
Recognize unrealistic standards and challenge them
Practice self-compassion instead of constant self-criticism
Learn tools for anxiety and burnout
Build boundaries so they can say no without guilt.
Help them reconnect with joy - not just achievement.
Parents often tell me the biggest shift they see isn’t in grades or awards - it’s in their teen’s lightness. The sigh of relief when they realize that they can still be successful without running themselves into the ground.
You Don’t Have to Wait for a Breakdown
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like my kid,” trust your gut. These patterns don’t just fade away - they tend to get heavier.
So, if your teen is already showing signs of perfectionism, anxiety, or burnout, you don’t have to wait until they crash and burn to get help.
Supporting a high-achieving teenager isn’t about lowering the bar - it’s about making sure they have the tools, perspective, and support to meet their goals without losing themselves along the way. Learn more about therapy for teens and college students and how it can help your child step out of the perfectionism loop.
Let’s take some of that weight off their shoulders.
Schedule a free consultation today, and let’s give them space to be more than “fine.”
